I'm feeling somewhat out of sorts. 

This week I feel has been one that lends to just such a reaction. I thought perhaps it was in large part due to my bout of sickness. Being forced to hit the pause button, when I am undeniably the play button on the cassette deck of life, is without doubt a disturbance to the norm of day to day that causes an upset. 

Then I thought perhaps it was due to the departure of dear visiting friends, and the loss of the giggles and hugs that come with it, that left a quietness which felt somewhat...unsettling. But then the silence, is a space I love to fill with music, culinary olfaction, thoughts and singing..oh wait. Sickness = sore throat, therefore, no singing.

Maybe it was the uptick of receiving two kind, unexpected, handwritten letters and cards that exuded such winsome words and genuine warmth that they made me smile, nay beam from my kidneys to my brow.

But none of these things were monumental enough to cause this rift that has lead to the <em>out of sort-ness</em> going on. Then it struck me. I received a text earlier that simply said, 'check the weather for Saturday'. And I did. And it said snow. Snow. 

Something so simple, that as a child invoked a reaction of banshee-esque whooping and trembly anticipation. But right now, for some reason, I find myself crestfallen. I saw the summer and autumn flash in-front of me like some sombre movie montage that pays homage to those who've passed away:

Italian Ice's at the beach
Donning swimmers and flip-flops into restaurants
Playing hooky and walking around town eating pistachio gelato's
Baked egg brunches
Bursting Farmer Market hauls
Chatting with farmers as the sun washes over us
Flying kites at picnics
Eating outside just because

The slide show of it all flashed by - but not just the visions of the awesomeness that it all was but a cumulative wave of how it <em>felt</em>: warming, precious, protective, tangible, collective, familiar, exciting... The prospect of snow immediately felt like a black hole to all that had been light about this year thus far. 

The thought of the ground diminishing it's produce and yield as the season turns. The idea of the skinny farmers market's and bodies swathed in layers upon puffy layers to withstand what the winter extends to us; all just felt too much. It felt like someone was hovering their finger over the 'stop' button as the cassette player played my favourite song for the last time.

Maybe I am being over dramatic. Winter, once my favourite season, does have it's gastronomic pluses. I love dishes that are hearty, creamy; accessorised by crusty breads and closed by rich ports or dark beers. I love congregating in front of a roaring fire that crackle and spits. I appreciate the excuse of candlelight and the quietness that snow brings onto a city that wearily never sleeps. Without winter, these things would not really be able to be enjoyed to their fullest extent.

I think perhaps, I just wasn't quite ready for it right yet and as such it has left me off kilter. Grasping, { gasping?? } to comprehend myself - the essence of myself. Can a season change really cause such introspection? It feels as though everyone is feeling it right now...

So my solution, for now, I think...is to be determined to make this impending emaciated season more sanguine. All those affectionate memories that made summer and autumn what they were, well winter will create it's own unique pleasant experiences: 

I will seek out fire places
I will happily don boots and scarves
I will make excuses to play hooky and visit speakeasy's 
I will take metaphoric walks around town through the sharing of tales and experiences
I will 'converse' with the work of my favourite chef's
I will fly in the scornful face of winter by resisting it with laughter
I will eat inside places I've never been, just because

This season cannot defeat us because of it's restrictive nature. I will, I must find all the good that winter will allow me to do and embrace it with a hug reserved only for those who are so very dear to my heart.  Yes this season is about to turn, but our essence, my essence can and will adjust because..one must. 

<p><span style="font-size: xx-small;">{ <em>sorry if this post is a bit more personal than the norm, but I feel that it had to be said as I feel that everyone is starting to feel the downward spiral of the seasonal change..</em> }.</span></p>