This is going to be an angry post, filled with self-loathing.

Well, maybe not self-loathing, but I am very angry with myself.

[caption id="attachment_1423" align="alignright" width="199" caption="Sixteen months ago."]<a href="http://mikerappaport.net/onevoice/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/DSC_0277.jpg"><img class="size-medium wp-image-1423" title="DSC_0277" src="http://mikerappaport.net/onevoice/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/DSC_0277-199x300.jpg" alt="" width="199" height="300" /></a>[/caption]

A year ago, I was one skinny bastard, one good-looking guy for age 60.

I've written before about how I worked to lose 112 pounds, to go from 280 to 168 in six months. I was damned proud of myself and I felt really good. Good enough, in fact, to post a picture where I still weighed 213 pounds.

By November, when I went to two college reunions -- fraternity and college newspaper -- I was skinnier than I had been in 20 years. I had bought myself a whole new wardrobe, all pretty good quality stuff. I was in a good routine -- walking six miles for exercise almost every day.

So what happened?

We had some tough times here in Georgia. My beloved wife has been suffering from various health problems for much of the year that we have been here. We've argued more than usual, I have fallen completely out of my routine and -- horror of horrors -- I have gained back almost all of the weight I lost.

I could play Jabba the Hutt or Fat Bastard without needing more than a little help from prosthetics.

When we go to Seattle later this month to see our new grandson, his first glimpse of me won't be impressive. If he was talking, he might say, "Who's the fat guy?"

If we go to Virginia for Christmas, my mother and my siblings -- who last saw me thin in November 2010 -- will doubtless look at me and wonder if I have some sort of disease.

I've done big diets before, but losing weight, gaining it back and then losing it again right away is something I have never done before.

Well, there needs to be a first time.

Otherwise, I'll never be able to look in a mirror again.