And of course,don't forget to try to avoid repetition.You have used "Тя",many times and the text sounds a little elaborated,but generally,your headway is remerkable.And one more thing "Очите и", is not correct.You should use "и" with accent,but unfortunatelly I can not find it on my keyboard,in order to show it to you.I hope that you'll understand what I meant.

Have a great day!