25 weeks ago, we lost Ben’s grandmother.  That very same week, we found out I was pregnant.  We were elated, as I have PCOS (a fertility condition), and we had been trying for 7 months to conceive our second child.  We saw it as a sign that life was renewed.  9 weeks later, our hearts were broken when there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound.  I went in for a D&amp;C, and I began the process of moving on from my miscarriage.  The doctors told us to try again.  So, we did.  5 weeks later, I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive.  Could it be true?  Not this time.  Turns out, I had retained a piece of placenta, causing my hormones to remain elevated despite that fact that I was not actually pregnant.  I have since had 2 shots of methotrexate  (a chemotherapeutic drug which attacks the rapidly growing cells of the placental tissue) and countless acupuncture sessions.  We are waiting for the pregnancy hormones to return to zero, and each week we face results that have gone up or dropped only slightly.  Last week, my levels finally came down to 10.  Today I went in for labs hoping this would be the last day, as I have one to three times per week for the last 2 months.  We have only reached 9.5.  I am devastated and losing hope.  It seems this is my own personal hell that just won’t end.  We cannot even begin to think about trying again until this is over, and there are already various complications in place that may make it so that we never have another biological child.  I no longer no how to cope with the pain and the frustration.  I know that others have a much worse situation.  And, believe me, part of me feels guilty that I am even having this pity party when so many others struggle with infertility and the loss of a child. But, today, on a day that I cannot seem to find the joy in this situation, I give it up to God.  And in doing so, I feel lighter and less burdened already…free to enjoy the pleasures of an afternoon cocktail, the gorgeous baby I already have, my loving husband, and my 2 crazy kitties.  So, I surrender.  Please, God, there is nothing else I can do to end this nightmare.  Now, it’s your turn. #40DaysOfJoy