<p style="text-align: center;">Infertility robs you of many things: the ability to make medium and long term plans, the ease of feeling happy for a friend or a family member who just announced a pregnancy, intimate time with your spouse...</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">I am reminded of a woman I met at the Still Missed support group at Hinsdale Hospital.  When her 3rd child was very young, they found out they were expecting a 4th.  Early in the pregnancy, it was discovered that the baby had a fatal chromosomal abnormality.  If she made it full term, the child would likely die soon after birth.  Her 4th child lived only 5 weeks.  I choose not to imagine the extent of her heartbreak for the pain feels too big.  But, this mother confessed to me that she felt robbed of the time that she had with her 3rd child.  For all those nights that she rocked the daughter to sleep, her mind went to the unborn child and the pain of the imminent loss.  She was robbed of all of those moments with her daughter, perhaps the last times she would rock a toddler to sleep or read her a story for the 100th time that week.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Many nights, I sit in our big brown chair and rock my O.  My mind wanders, wondering if we will ever get pregnant again, wondering if when she is too big for my lap I will never hold another small child of my own, wondering...  But I think of that woman's guilt over grieving for her unborn child, and I try to bring myself back to the present, to be with O and only O for those very few precious moments.  I am grateful to her for sharing her story and her pain so that I may attempt to be present in a way that she regrets that she was unable to do.  We must allow ourselves to grieve, of course.  But for those of us lucky enough to be blessed with another child, we must be present for them as well.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">This week, I experience another loss related to infertility.  The maid of honor in my wedding 8 long years ago is getting married this week.  She and her fiance chose a spot fitting of their personalities and their love for travel.  They will be wed in the Dominican Republic on Saturday.  The couple invited very few people to the wedding, and I, of course, was one of them.  In order to facilitate their plans, they asked everyone to RSVP by October 1 of last year.  At that time, I was still full of hope that by this time I would be sitting here with a swollen belly, finally having found success in our journey.  But, that's not what was in our cards.  I will miss the wedding of one of my dearest friends in the world, and I am STILL. NOT. PREGNANT.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">It is very painful to know that I cannot be there for my friend like she was there for me.  It is isolating and lonely to know that she  will be getting ready alongside our other girlfriends, and I will not be there.  I know this day is about her and her soon-to-be husband, but there is no greater reminder of your love for your own spouse and your love for your friend than to stand by their side on the day they take the first step into marriage.</p>
<p style="text-align: center;">Megan and Scott- let me be clear that I do not fault you for choosing the wedding location of your dreams that is so,so perfect as a representation of your love for each other and your love of travel.  May your day be perfect, and may you return to it in your mind regularly for 50 plus years to come.  I may not be there on the picturesque beach with you, but I am with you in spirit, sending all of my blessings to your marriage and your life together.  May you be happy, and may you live with each other in peace until the sun sets on your lives, and may that day be many, many years from now.</p>