CHUCK T:  team Geezer.  Resembles a post-middle-aged version of Kyle from the movie "Road Trip".  Lives in the state of perpetual frustration.  Actually appears to move in slow motion relative to everyone around him, as if trapped in some old "Star Trek" time-warp episode.  Can't get up and get dressed in 3 hrs., what makes anybody think he's gonna' ride a lap in 2 hrs?  Most likely to say f*** 36 times in one sentence while describing how he trashed an $800.00 wheelset trying to bunny-hop an empty soda can in the parking lot.15121512MIKEY P.:  team Gremlin.  Crazed midget with anti-social tendencies.  Starts more trouble than a minister's teenage daughter in heat on an overnight school trip.  Loves to ride your rear wheel while screaming the "berserkr song" from "Clerks".  Exhibits homo erotic behavior on night rides & road trips.  17th best bike mechanic in D.C., but that was '97.  Most likely to fart deafeningly at the dinner table, then laugh 'til milk shoots out his nose.15121512CRAPPER JOHN:  The Phantom Pooper.  Frequent disappearances off-trail in mid-ride are accompanied by sound effects of rutting wilderbeests, then a 40-year-old truck tire with a pinch flat.  Spontaneous defoliation of surrounding plant life follows.  Reacts violently to impropper passing ettiquette by other riders,  yanking them off their bike and punting their water bottle into the nearest stream.  Most likely to hide a turd in your sleeping bag while you're on a night lap.15121512MR.CLAY:  team Contrarian.  Unlikely combination of Ted Kazinsky and Madonna.  Irrationally offended by the mere presence of other people, he has retreated to a remote rural compound with striking similarities to the Branch Davidians' and Ruby Ridge.  Spends approximately 30% of his time with his posterior exposed.  Most likely to complain simultaneously of a chapped taint and that the course wasn't rough enough.