<p>When my cell phone rang at noon yesterday I picked it up just in time to miss the call.&#0160; When I checked the caller ID my heart sank.&#0160; It was my OB-GYN calling.&#0160; Then my house phone rang.</p>

<p>&quot;Ms. Housewife?&quot;</p>

<p>&quot;Yes?&quot;</p>

<p>&quot;This is Wendy from the Dr&#39;s office.&#0160; I&#39;m sorry, but the abnormal cells are back.&quot;</p>

<p>&quot;Oh.&quot;</p>

<p> &quot;Will you be at this number for the next hour?&#0160; Barbara will call to schedule a <a href="http://womenshealth.about.com/cs/cevicalconditions/a/colposcopy.htm">colposcopy</a>.&quot;</p>

<p>&quot;Yes, I&#39;ll be at this number.&#0160; Thanks.&quot;</p>

<p>I started crying as I cut up green beans for my son&#39;s lunch.&#0160; </p>

<p>The first time I got a call telling me that my <a href="http://www.gynalternatives.com/abnpap.htm">pap was abnormal</a> was April 2003.&#0160; I was at work, and I didn&#39;t think twice when the phone rang.&#0160; I thought it was the ad agency finally coming through with the revisions they owed me.&#0160; It didn&#39;t even register when I heard my doctor&#39;s voice on the other end because I had a deadline and <em>where the HELL are they</em>?&#0160; When the doctor said that my pap was abnormal and that I needed to see a specialist all I heard was &quot;you&#39;re going to die.&#0160; Who cares about the stupid ad?&quot;&#0160; I put her on hold, got up, closed my office door so no one would see, and started to cry.&#0160; </p>

<p>When I got to the specialist&#39;s office, the doctor, a stern-looking British gentleman, asked me to sit in his study before he performed the test.</p>

<p>&quot;Do you have any questions?&quot;</p>

<p>I tried to lie: &quot;No.&quot;&#0160; &#0160;But maybe I wasn&#39;t as good as lying as I thought I was.&#0160; Maybe I looked desperate.&#0160; Or maybe, he was used to having this conversation.</p>

<p>&quot;Well&quot; he said, &quot;in that case, I want to remind you that a pap is just a screening test.&#0160; Your last pap came back with an <a href="http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=10630">ASCUS</a> result.&#0160; That literally means that we don&#39;t know if anything is wrong, but we need to investigate further.&quot;</p>

<p>&quot;OK.&quot;</p>

<p>He searched my eyes, &quot;This doesn&#39;t mean that you have cancer.&quot;</p>

<p>&quot;I know.&quot;&#0160; My voice started to crack.</p>

<p>&quot;And we will take care of it if it starts to change, before it ever has a chance to turn to cancer.&#0160; You don&#39;t have to worry about that.&quot;</p>

<p>I nodded, but I couldn&#39;t breathe.&#0160; The lump in my throat was tightening and I thought I might asphyxiate.</p>

<p>&quot;I know that you probably are wondering if this will affect your fertility.&#0160; It will not.&#0160; You will be able to have children.&quot;</p>

<p>That&#39;s when I burst into tears.&#0160; </p>

<p>I was in shock.&#0160; Because up until that minute I never realized that I wanted children that badly.&#0160; Or that I could get sick, even if, as he said, it would be ten years at the earliest.</p>

<p>Since that day, I&#39;ve gotten married, quit my job, had a baby.&#0160; Did my pap results have anything to do with my husband and I finally getting our act together?&#0160; Maybe, I don&#39;t know.</p>

<p>I&#39;ve also had pap smears every 4-6 months.&#0160; I&#39;ve had 3 colposcopies - including one while I was pregnant.&#0160; I&#39;ve had more abnormal paps than normal ones.&#0160; At one point the nurses and I would joke &quot;what will this one be - good or bad?&quot;&#0160; It&#39;s amazing what one can get used to.</p>

<p>But when I got pregnant, my current doctor told me that sometimes delivering a baby vaginally gets rid of all the abnormal cells.&#0160; We were hopeful.&#0160; I think that is why they never once suggested a c-section, even though I pushed for four hours.&#0160; Four hours!</p>

<p>And for a while things were good.&#0160; I had 3 normal paps in a row!&#0160; I thought my son had cleaned out my cervix for me!</p>

<p>I was so confident that stopped worrying about my pap tests.&#0160; <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2006/05/23/health/23comm.html?ex=1149393600&amp;en=65a9ede3ba7ca1bc&amp;ei=5070">I was happy when I heard about the new &quot;cancer vaccine&quot; because the next generation* won&#39;t have to deal with what I&#39;ve had to deal with.</a>&#0160; I put my fear in the past.</p>

<p>And now, with this last result, this last &quot;abnormal&quot;&#0160; this last &quot;we need to schedule another colposcopy&quot; the fear came back with a vengeance.&#0160; Yesterday was not a good day.&#0160; I fought back the tears as my son played at his Gymboree class.&#0160; My uterus hurt.&#0160; I cried when I told my husband.</p>

<p>Then, amazingly my cranky sad mood started lifting.</p>

<p>Because I was now mad at myself for wasting a week moping for nothing.&#0160; I now had a reason to be sad, and it just made all that wasted time seem the more precious.</p>

<p>Because I have great doctors that are rooting for me.&#0160; That were just as hopeful as I was that everything would be back to normal.&#0160; Doctors that see this everyday.&#0160; Their jobs suck.</p>

<p>Because I once was afraid that I&#39;d never become a mom, and look at me now.&#0160; </p>

<p>Because my husband brought me a dozen roses yesterday.&#0160; Because he loves me.</p>

<p>Because I&#39;m not sick.</p>

<p>I&#39;m nervous about the colposcopy, but I refuse to be sad over nothing.<br /><em><br />*On the &quot;Cancer Vaccine&quot;:&#0160; If you are one of the people who will refuse to vaccinate their children because you think that doing so will &quot;encourage promiscuity in young girls&quot; you are a selfish idiot.&#0160; <br /><br />Everybody else:&#0160; Schedule your pap test.&#0160; Don&#39;t be stupid.<br /><br />That is all.</em></p>

<p><strong>NOTE:&#0160; </strong>Thank you all for your comments and emails!&#0160; I feel so much better (and much less afraid) knowing that I&#39;m not alone!&#0160; Maybe somebody will find this post after googling &quot;abnormal pap&quot; and will find some comfort after reading about our experiences.&#0160; Thanks!</p>
