<p><em>We&#39;re huge (HUGE) <u>Trapped in the Closet</u> fans round these parts.&#0160; I wrote this after we went to last year&#39;s R. Kelly sing-a-long, and I&#39;m sharing it here in honor of today&#39;s release</em><em> of chapters 12-22.&#0160; It&#39;s a big cultural event - the <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/20/arts/music/20trap.html?_r=1&amp;oref=login">NY Times</a> says so and so do I.<br /></em></p>

<p><em>I see an R. Kelly party at our home in the very near future...</em></p>

<p>I almost forgot to tell you about the Trapped in the Closet Sing-a-Long!&#0160; I went!&#0160; And it was fun!&#0160; It also made me feel old!&#0160; But in a good way!&#0160; </p>

<p>We were so glad we&#39;re &quot;responsible adults&quot; because when we got there, a full half-hour early, there were people standing in line - in the cold - waiting for a chance to be let in to the SOLD OUT show.&#0160; I was surprised that a theater would sell out for a midnight-2:00 am show even if was to make fun of R. Kelly.&#0160; (See?&#0160; I told you I was old.)</p>

<p>Anyways, we were not about to stand in the cold so we went to a bar.&#0160; The only bar in Coolidge Corner is a college bar, which was cool - like being 19 all over again - except that I made a tactical mistake.&#0160; If you&#39;re over the age of 25 and find yourself in a &quot;college bar&quot; and you see that they have a &quot;martini menu,&quot; ORDER THE BEER!&#0160; Unless you like your martinis to taste like cough syrup.&#0160; If that&#39;s the case, by all means be my guest and order away.&#0160; Also, I have found that the size of the martini is inversely correlated to the amount of alcohol in the drink.&#0160; My glass was, I kid you not, the size of my head.&#0160; </p>

<p>So, we head back to the theater and I&#39;m disappointingly sober.&#0160; Then we saw the people in line, and I had to laugh.&#0160; It was full of <a href="http://www.sykospark.net/emo/idiotic.gif">Emo kids</a>, all ironic and intellectual looking, except that I called them &quot;slackers&quot; because that&#39;s what they were called when I was in college back in 1994 (You guys remember <a href="http://i9.photobucket.com/albums/a53/jemany/5.jpg"><em>Reality Bites</em></a>, right?).&#0160; </p>

<p>But I knew that this night was going to be SO worth the $60 we spent on babysitting when we finally made it inside the theater and the South Park episode on Scientology (watch it <a href="http://www.xenutv.com/cruise/sp-closet.htm">here</a> if you&#39;ve missed it) was playing as the prelude - there&#39;s nothing like a quick refresher on Xenu to prepare you for deconstructing an urban opera, I always say.</p>

<p>They started the evening with a &quot;R&amp;B Battle in the style of R. Kelly&quot; between a guy who looked exactly like the kid in <a href="http://rushmore.shootangle.com/academy/images/quote1pic.jpg">Rushmore</a> and a plain vanilla jock.&#0160; The Rushmore kid won by a landslide.&#0160; In fact, if you closed your eyes he sounded just like R. Kelly (granted, not that it takes that much talent to do it).&#0160; The jock was literally booed off the stage - and I was happy.&#0160; I&#39;m always glad when the dopey kid wins.&#0160; </p>

<p>After some pseudo-intellectual intro that was really funny but I forgot, our emcee explains that they will only show 4 episodes at a time (there are 12 in total) because &quot;the intensity might kill us if we don&#39;t take a break.&quot;&#0160; He was not exaggerating - the level of noise and off-key singing that erupted the second the show started was deafening - it was impossible not to get into it.<br /><em><br /><span face="Verdana">Seven o&#39;clock in the morning <br />And the rays from the sun wakes me <br />I&#39;m stretchin&#39; and yawnin&#39;<br />In a bed that don&#39;t belong to me-e ...</span></em></p>

<p>As you all know the song quickly builds into a crescendo - it was impossible not to scream out the lyrics.&#0160; </p>

<p><span face="Verdana"><em>He looks at the closet!!! </em><br /><em>I pull out my Beretta!! </em></span></p>

<p>The Husband (along with about 300 people) was really getting into it and we we got to the first cliffhanger we were shouting at the top of our lungs:</p>

<p><span face="Verdana"><em>He walks up to the closet !!!!<br />He comes up to the closet!!!!!!!!!! <br />Now he&#39;s at the closet !!!!<br />Now he&#39;s opening the closet...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</em></span><br /><br />The kid that was sitting next to The Husband yells in his ear &quot;this is going to be the BEST night of my life!&quot; <br /><br />OooooKaaay.</p>

<p>He must have been really impressed that my Husband, a man who is probably twice his age, knew all the lyrics as well as he did because he took out his backpack and handed us beer.&#0160; He had contraband!&#0160; And he gave us two!&#0160; </p>

<p>Budweisers.&#0160; In the white cans.&#0160; </p>

<p>I haven&#39;t had one since college (because I&#39;m a snob. I admit it!) but I have to tell you - that Bud was like the Ambrosia of the Greek gods - delicious!&#0160; We were young!&#0160; Carefree!&#0160; And Naughty!&#0160; We were drinking with our new best friends!&#0160; </p>



<p>My husband, who is impeccably polite, had to reciprocate.&#0160; But our group had only one thing to offer.&#0160; So my husband takes it and taps the shoulder of our beer benefactor to offer some of our precious contraband.</p>

<p>&quot;Want some?&quot;</p>

<p>The kid&#39;s face breaks out into a grin until he looks down; he then looks up at my husband, puzzled.</p>

<p>&quot;It&#39;s a Toblerone.&#0160; Take all you want.&quot;</p>

<p>&quot;Um.&#0160; I&#39;m cool.&quot;&#0160; (Awkward pause.)&#0160; &quot;Thanks?&quot;</p>

<p>Yeah, we felt stupid.&#0160; But we were soon back in good graces with our buddy.&#0160; By the next chapter, he had given us more beer and we were all happily singing along with R. Kelly as one big, happy, inter-generational family:<br /><em><span face="Verdana"><br />She says you&#39;re the perfect lover!<br />I said I cant go no futher!<br />Then I flip back the cover!<br />Oh my God, a rubber...rubber...</span></em></p>

<p>Kids today.&#0160; They&#39;re awesome.&#0160; </p>
