<p>I have a 9 month old baby.  All of my mommy friends have one child around the same age.  This is about the time when we wonder who will take the plunge.  Who will be brave enough to be pregnant (again!) first?</p>

<p>One of the girls announced to the entire group that she and her husband started trying in September.  She has been quiet since.  Another says that she is getting off the pill to “allow the body to cleanse itself of hormones.”  I myself have been debating whether I should stop taking the pill and let fate run its course.  Last night, I took the last pill in the last pack and decided that it would be my last.  </p>

<p>But the conversation rages on.  We debate the merits of having the children close together so “you can have a few years of sleep deprivation and misery and then move on” or of spacing them out so that you can put the oldest in preschool and you can give the second as much attention as the first.</p>

<p>Of course I wonder, how is it possible to give the same attention to a second child while the first keeps demanding your time?  I am glad I am the oldest in my family.  I now know that my siblings were right in being jealous.  Babies take a lot of time, and there is only so much parents can give.  The second child must get  the shaft.  Of course, my sister and I are only eleven months apart, and then my brother came soon after, so I only had my parents all to myself for a very brief time, but apparently it was enough.</p>

<p>There are no clear answers.  But last night, I heard that one of my friends had a miscarriage.  We had no idea she had been pregnant for 3 months.  And I remembered all the highs and lows of pregnancy.  The fear that something could go wrong.  The restricted diets.  The daydreams.  How it brings you and your husband so close.  How you feel so complete.  I feel so bad for her.  I know what it feels to have all your expectations growing inside of you, and waiting for them to kick you in the ribs.  And I understood that it doesn’t matter if it is the first baby or your fourth, the emotions, the love and heartbreak is the same.</p>

<p>I went to CVS and refilled my birth control prescription today.  I am not brave enough to be so vulnerable again.  Not yet.  </p>

<p><a href="http://technorati.com/tag/pregnancy" rel="tag">pregnancy</a> <a href="http://technorati.com/tag/motherhood" rel="tag">motherhood</a></p>
