how...How...HOW can it be December already?!?!?!  <em>Where</em> has the time gone?  It's hard to believe that Thanksgiving was a little over a week ago.

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Previously, I shared with you that the Man from a Land Far, Far Away was coming to Thanksgiving Dinner (and beyond).  One doesn't cross the ocean for turkey and pumpkin pie.  He booked his stay for 10 days.

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My inner circle worried about how this serial single girl would cope with a man in her nest for 10 days.  Either I would fall madly in love or be driven to the brink of insanity.

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While my inner circle fretted about the future of my love life, I panicked about turkey.  Specifically, how the hell do I cook one?  And aren't turkeys too big for two people?

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The options quickly overwhelmed me:  Turkey breast?  Whole turkey?  Cornish hen?  Precooked something-or-rather from Honey Baked Hams or Whole Paycheck?

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Everyone had an opinion.  I found out through this process that Americans are very, very passionate about turkey.  Who knew?

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First, we had Camp Turkey Breast vs Camp Whole Bird.  Each side thought that the other was completely insane.

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<span style="color: #800000;"><strong>Camp Turkey Breast:</strong></span>  Cook an entire turkey for only two people?  Ridic!

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<span style="color: #808000;"><strong>Camp Whole Bird:</strong></span>  Cook only a breast for a man who never experienced Thanksgiving?  Unthinkable!

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When I was guilted into choosing Camp Whole Bird, I entered yet another Turkey Debate:  Bag vs. V-Rack Thingie.  Each side thought the other was utterly absurd.

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<span style="color: #800000;"><strong>Bag Peeps:</strong></span>  Dry out the bird while creating a monumental mess?  As you wish, sucker!

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<span style="color: #808000;"><strong>V-Rack Thingie Peeps:</strong></span>  You're cooking for an Italian, and you're going to stick the bird in a bag?  Mamma mia!

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Oy vay.

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The people pleaser in me didn't want to offend anyone.  Heather and Corinniecakes both bared their souls and their recipes in the comment section.  And then Sarah suggested Tofurkey on the facebook page.  What's a blogger to do?

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I ultimately decided on the Tofurkey.

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<a href="http://www.slashfood.com/2006/11/21/tackling-the-tofurkey/" target="_blank"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-8194" title="nw_tofurkey-1" src="http://www.diaryofalatebloomer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/nw_tofurkey-1.jpg" alt="" width="420" height="316" /></a>

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Kidding!!!!  :-D

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I opted for the Whole Turkey on the V-Rack Thingie.  (I promise to try your turkey in the bag recipe next year, Heather!)

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<a href="http://www.diaryofalatebloomer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/PB2400231.jpg"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-8197" title="OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA" src="http://www.diaryofalatebloomer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/PB2400231.jpg" alt="" width="225" height="300" /></a>

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Corinniecakes swore up, down, and sideways in her Tale of Turkey Roasting Perfection that the preparation of this bird was a snap.

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Ummmm....

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I suppose it was easy.  Just time consuming.  My Italian sous chef for the day THANKFULLY stepped up and helped me chop onions, apples, carrots, potatoes, and <strong><a href="http://www.diaryofalatebloomer.com/2011/11/15/guess-whos-coming-to-dinner/comment-page-1/#comment-4541" target="_blank">whatever else Corinniecakes mentioned in that recipe.</a></strong>

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I also suppose it would have been even easier had I allowed appropriate prep time for the main attraction of the Thanksgiving meal.  This will not surprise my mother, but I did not step foot into the kitchen until almost 1 p.m.   I tend to lollygag about in the mornings as it is, and with the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and The National Dog Show on, I was a bit distracted.

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Although nothing was more pleasantly distracting than the 6'3" Italian man visiting me from far, far away.

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So it was 1 p.m. when I removed the turkey from my fridge to discover that it was still frozen.  Even though I took it out of the freezer on Monday.

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What does a woman do when she faces a culinary disaster?  She calls her mother, naturally.

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My mother, apparently feeling sadistic (on Thanksgiving of all days!), placed me on speakerphone so that all of my relatives could laugh at my dilemma.

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As the turkey fates would have it, my turkey flesh was not frozen -- only the guts that were cemented inside the cavity of that thing.  The phone conversation went something like this:

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Me:  MOM!!!!  My turkey is frozen.  I'm going to have to run down the street to Safeway to pick up a rotisserie chicken.  Oh, darn.

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Mom:  You're going to have to run a cold water bath for the turkey.

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Me:  Uh....no.  Rotisserie chicken from Safeway.

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Mom:  Michelle, you are NOT going to pick up a chicken when this man has traveled all the way from Tuscany to see you.

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Me:  Crap.

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Deep breaths.

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Me:  There's no place for me to stuff the stuffing.

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Mom:  What do you mean there's not place to stuff the stuffing?!?!

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Me:  I took out that guts bag like you told me, but there's no cavity!!!

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Mom:  (announcing to the Floridian relatives)  Hey, everyone!  Michelle says there's no cavity in the turkey for the stuffing!

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Floridian Peanut Gallery:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

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Me:  If you keep laughing at me, I'm hanging up and driving to Safeway.

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(Flashback:  In case you have forgotten, allow me to remind you that I a) had never cooked a whole turkey and b) I'm squeamish when it comes to cooking meat.  If I didn't have a tendency to become anemic and get insanely hungry when I don't eat meat for stretches of time, I'd more than likely become a vegetarian.)

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Mom:  Michelle, you're going to have to stick your hand in there and pull out the intestines.

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Me:  WHAT?!?!  I ALREADY PULLED OUT THE BAG THINGIE!!!!!

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Mom:  There's more in there.

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Me:  BUT IT'S FROZEN SOLID.

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Mom:  Run water inside the cavity and pull it out!!!

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Floridian Peanut Gallery:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

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Me:  I have to go.  Love you.  Bye.

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In a moment of perfect timing, my 6'3" Italiano asked me if I would like a refill on my glass of wine.

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Yes, please.

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I ran water through the inside of that bird and pulled.  And pulled.  And pulled.

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Until a solid block of icy guts emerged.

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It's no wonder that my personal featured attraction is the pumpkin pie with freshly whipped cream.

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The Verdict:

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The bird cooked in 3.5 hours -- just as Trader Joe's suggested.  Corinniecakes' recipe lived up to its monumental hype.  The bird was juicy and tasty.

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This year the pumpkin pie with freshly whipped cream was my second favorite food of the Thanksgiving meal.  First favorite?  The Italian wine.

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Of course, the main featured attraction of this Thanksgiving

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The company was priceless.

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