[caption id="attachment_8214" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Doesn&#39;t this look appetizing? A food photographer I am not. Sorry, peeps."]<a href="http://www.diaryofalatebloomer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/PB240025.jpg" target="_blank"><img class="size-full wp-image-8214" title="OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA" src="http://www.diaryofalatebloomer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/PB240025.jpg" alt="" width="300" height="225" /></a>[/caption]

how...How...HOW can it be December already?!?!?!  <em>Where</em> has the time gone?  It's hard to believe that Thanksgiving was a little over a week ago.

&nbsp;

<strong><a href="http://www.diaryofalatebloomer.com/2011/11/15/guess-whos-coming-to-dinner/" target="_blank">Previously, I shared with you that the Man from a Land Far, Far Away was coming to Thanksgiving Dinner</a></strong> (and beyond).  One doesn't cross the ocean for turkey and pumpkin pie.  He booked his stay for 10 days.

&nbsp;

My inner circle worried about how this serial single girl would cope with a man in her nest for 10 days.  Either I would fall madly in love or be driven to the brink of insanity.

&nbsp;

While my inner circle fretted about the future of my love life, I panicked about turkey.  Specifically, how the hell do I cook one?  And aren't turkeys too big for two people?

&nbsp;

The options quickly overwhelmed me:  Turkey breast?  Whole turkey?  Cornish hen?  Precooked something-or-rather from Honey Baked Hams or Whole Paycheck?

&nbsp;

Everyone had an opinion.  I found out through this process that Americans are very, very passionate about turkey.  Who knew?

&nbsp;

First, we had Camp Turkey Breast vs Camp Whole Bird.  Each side thought that the other was completely insane.

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

<span style="font-size: medium;"><strong><span style="color: #800000;">Camp Turkey Breast:</span>  Cook an entire turkey for only two people?  Ridic!</strong></span>

&nbsp;

<span style="font-size: medium;"><strong><span style="color: #808000;">Camp Whole Bird:</span>  Cook only a breast for a man who has never experienced Thanksgiving? Unthinkable!</strong></span>

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

Guilted into joining Camp Whole Bird, I entered yet another Turkey Debate:  Bag vs. V-Rack Thingie.  Each side thought that the other was utterly absurd.

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

<span style="font-size: medium;"><strong><span style="color: #800000;">Bag Peeps:</span>  Dry out the bird while creating a monumental mess?  As you wish, sucker!</strong></span>

&nbsp;

<span style="font-size: medium;"><strong><span style="color: #808000;">V-Rack Thingie Peeps:</span>  You're cooking for an Italian, and you're going to stick the bird in a bag? Mamma mia!</strong></span>

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

Oy vay.

&nbsp;

The people-pleaser in me didn't want to offend anyone.  Heather and Corinniecakes both revealed their turkey expertise and their recipes in the comments section of that blog post.  And then Sarah suggested Tofurkey on the facebook page.  What's a blogger to do?

&nbsp;

I ultimately decided on the Tofurkey.

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

<a href="http://www.slashfood.com/2006/11/21/tackling-the-tofurkey/" target="_blank"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-8194" title="nw_tofurkey-1" src="http://www.diaryofalatebloomer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/nw_tofurkey-1.jpg" alt="" width="420" height="316" /></a>

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

Kidding!!!!  :-D

&nbsp;

I opted for the Whole Turkey on the V-Rack Thingie.  (I promise to try your Turkey in the Bag recipe next year, Heather!)

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

<a href="http://www.diaryofalatebloomer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/PB2400231.jpg"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-8197" title="OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA" src="http://www.diaryofalatebloomer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/PB2400231.jpg" alt="" width="225" height="300" /></a>

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

Corinniecakes swore up, down, and sideways in her Tale of Turkey Roasting Perfection that the preparation of this bird was a snap.

&nbsp;

Ummmm....

&nbsp;

I suppose it was easy.  Just time consuming.  My Italian sous chef for the day THANKFULLY stepped up and helped me chop onions, apples, carrots, potatoes, and <strong><a href="http://www.diaryofalatebloomer.com/2011/11/15/guess-whos-coming-to-dinner/comment-page-1/#comment-4541" target="_blank">whatever else Corinniecakes mentioned in that recipe.</a></strong>

&nbsp;

Perhaps it would have been even easier had I allowed appropriate prep time for the main attraction of the Thanksgiving meal.  This will not surprise my mother, but I did not step foot into the kitchen until almost 1 p.m.   I tend to lollygag about in the mornings as it is, and with the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and The National Dog Show on, I was a bit distracted.

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

<span style="font-size: medium; color: #800000;"><strong>Oh, yes.  And then there was the most pleasant distraction of the morning:  the 6'3" Italian man visiting me from far, far away.</strong></span>

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

So it was 1 p.m. when I removed the turkey from my fridge to discover that it was still frozen.  Even though I took it out of the freezer on Monday.

&nbsp;

What does a woman do when she faces a culinary disaster?  She calls her mother, naturally.

&nbsp;

<span style="color: #000000;">My mother, apparently feeling sadistic (on Thanksgiving of all days!), placed me on speakerphone so that all of my relatives could laugh at my dilemma.</span>

As the turkey fates would have it, my turkey flesh was not frozen -- only the guts that were cemented inside the cavity of that thing.  The phone conversation went something like this:

&nbsp;

<span style="font-size: medium; color: #800000;"><strong>Me:  MOM!!!!  My turkey is frozen.  I'm going to have to run down the street to Safeway to pick up a rotisserie chicken.  Oh, darn.</strong></span>

&nbsp;

<strong>Mom:</strong>  You're going to have to run a cold water bath for the turkey.

&nbsp;

<strong>Me:</strong>  Uh....no.  That could take all day.  Rotisserie chicken from Safeway.

&nbsp;

<strong>Mom:</strong>  Michelle, you are NOT going to pick up a chicken when this man has traveled all the way from Tuscany to see you.

&nbsp;

<strong>Me:</strong>  Crap.

&nbsp;

Deep breaths.

&nbsp;

<strong>Me:</strong>  There's no place for me to stuff the stuffing.

&nbsp;

<strong>Mom:</strong>  What do you mean there's not place to stuff the stuffing?!?!

&nbsp;

<strong>Me:</strong>  I took out that guts bag like you told me, but there's no cavity!!!

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

<strong><span style="font-size: medium; color: #800000;">Mom:  <em>(announcing to the Floridian relatives)</em>  Hey, everyone!  Michelle says there's no cavity in the turkey for the stuffing!</span></strong>

&nbsp;

<strong><span style="font-size: medium; color: #800000;">Floridian Peanut Gallery: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!</span></strong>

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

<strong>Me:</strong>  If you keep laughing at me, I'm hanging up and driving to Safeway.

&nbsp;

(Flashback:  In my culinary past, I cooked everything else for Thanksgiving, except I a) had never cooked a whole turkey and b) I'm squeamish when it comes to cooking meat.  If I didn't have a tendency to become anemic and get insanely hungry when I don't eat meat for stretches of time, I'd more than likely become a vegetarian.  I also happen to be particularly fond of cheeseburgers.)

&nbsp;

<strong>Mom:</strong>  Michelle, you're going to have to stick your hand in there and pull out the intestines.

&nbsp;

<strong>Me:</strong>  WHAT?!?!  I ALREADY PULLED OUT THE BAG THINGIE!!!!!

&nbsp;

<strong>Mom:</strong>  There's more in there.

&nbsp;

<strong>Me:  </strong>BUT IT'S FROZEN SOLID.

&nbsp;

<strong>Mom:</strong>  Run water inside the cavity and PULL!!!

&nbsp;

<strong>Floridian Peanut Gallery:</strong>  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

&nbsp;

<strong>Me:</strong>  I have to go.  Love you.  Bye.

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #800000; font-size: medium;"><strong>In a moment of perfect timing, my 6'3" Italiano asked me if I would like a refill on my glass of wine.</strong></span>

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

SI, PER FAVORE!!!! (Translation:  HELL YES, PLEASE!!!)

&nbsp;

I ran water through the inside of that bird and pulled.  And pulled.  And pulled.

&nbsp;

Until a solid block of icy guts emerged.

&nbsp;

It's no wonder that my personal favorite TDay dish is the pumpkin pie with freshly whipped cream.

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

<span style="font-size: large; color: #800000;"><strong>The Verdict:</strong></span>

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

The bird -- whose insides were frozen but whose flesh was not -- cooked in 3.5 hours, just as Trader Joe's suggested.  Corinniecakes' recipe lived up to its monumental hype.  The bird was juicy and tasty.

&nbsp;

My Italian dinner guest had never tasted cranberry sauce, and he gave my homemade version a thumbs up.  He complimented me on my al dente green beans and humored me by taking seconds and thirds of my Smokehouse Stuffing.

&nbsp;

No, Smokehouse Stuffing is not a traditional family recipe.  It was a brand new invention of mine on Thanksgiving 2011.

&nbsp;

Would you like the recipe for Smokehouse Stuffing?  It's simple!

&nbsp;
<ul>
	<li>Put your gravy on the back burner and turn it up to high when you notice that it's not warming up.</li>
	<li>Then take your perfectly cooked stuffing (baked in a casserole dish, not inside the turkey) out of the oven and place it on the front burner.  Notice how steaming hot it is!</li>
	<li>When your dinner guest questions the intensity of the stuffing's steaminess, note the red hot front burner and the black back burner (with cold gravy sitting on it) and shout, "NO!  NO!  NO!" 100 times in a row.  Be proud of yourself for not dropping the f-bomb 1000 times in front of your guest.</li>
	<li>Grab those oven mitts and move that stuffing to the nearest, coldest place in your kitchen, sunshine!</li>
	<li>IMPROVISE!  Find a bowl and transfer the stuffing pronto!  Try to remove all black pieces that lined the bottom of the casserole dish.  You won't get them all -- trust me -- but that's o.k.  The charred pieces are what give the stuffing that authentic smokehouse flavor.</li>
	<li>DRINK MORE WINE.</li>
	<li>Viola!  There you have it!  Michelle's Smokehouse Stuffing.</li>
</ul>
&nbsp;
<div><span style="font-size: medium; color: #800000;"><strong>And now for the BEST part of the Meal . . . . </strong></span></div>
<div><a href="http://www.diaryofalatebloomer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/PB240028.jpg" target="_blank"><img class="size-full wp-image-8215 alignnone" title="OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA" src="http://www.diaryofalatebloomer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/PB240028.jpg" alt="" width="225" height="300" /></a></div>
&nbsp;

&nbsp;

This year the pumpkin pie with freshly whipped cream was my second favorite food of the Thanksgiving meal.  My first favorite?  The wine. <strong> (<a href="http://www.montebelli.com/bio-organic.html" target="_blank">Acantos from Montebelli</a>)</strong>

&nbsp;

Of course, nothing in that meal compared to the <em>real</em> featured attraction of this year's Thanksgiving -- my very special dinner guest.

&nbsp;

Grazie, amore mio.

&nbsp;