<p>Are you thinking, "What on <em>earth</em> is artisan ice cream?"</p>

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<p>Yep.  That's what I thought when I heard about it for the first time through <strong><a href="http://www.groupon.com/subscriptions/new?division_p=phoenix" target="_blank">Groupon</a></strong>.</p>

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<p>And since I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream, I thought that I needed to try this artisan ice cream for journalistic purposes.</p>

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<p>Bella and <span style="font-size: 13.0208px;">I hauled our cookies all the way across town to Scottsdale on a typical February 70s-and-sunny Sunday afternoon. </span></p>

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<p><span style="font-size: 13.0208px;">We began our artisan ice cream quest at Casa de Jimmykins.  Unless they are real schmucks, I tend to remain friends with all former boyfriends.  This comes in handy when former boyfriends live right around the corner from trendy artisan ice cream joints. </span></p>

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<p>After a delish Chipotle lunch and a romp* on Jimmykins' lawn, the three of us headed on over to one of the Top 10 Best Ice Cream Shops in the U.S.  (According to <em>Bon Appétit</em> magazine.)</p>

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<p>Houston, I should have known we had a problem when I saw this.</p>

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<p>My first thought was, "This would never happen in Vancouver."</p>

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<p>Vancouverites love their dogs.  Canines roam everywhere.  The Public Market on Granville Island is practically infested with dogs.  And they're serving all sorts of organic this and free trade that.**  I bet they even host an artisan ice cream joint now!</p>

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<p>But Scottsdale?  No dogs allowed.</p>

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<p>Get this:  The Little Gym (a gymnasium for the 8 and under crowd) is two doors down from Trendy Artisan Ice Cream Joint.</p>

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<p>Guess who invades Trendy Artisan Ice Cream Joint after a good old-fashioned sweatfest?</p>

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<p><span style="font-size: 13.1944px;">You mean to tell me that World's Most Precious Pooch carries more germs than walking petri dishes who have been rolling around on snotty gym mats?</span></p>

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<p>Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!</p>

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<p>Ha!</p>

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<p>I think not.</p>

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<p>Whatever.</p>

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<p>Bella and I waited patiently outside as a line of runny-nosed kids filtered in and out of Trendy Artisan Ice Cream Joint.  Jimmykins finally emerged with his Cheddar Cheesecake ice cream.</p>

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<p>I then parted from sweet-smelling Bella to meet an aroma that reminded me of post-recess classroom from my teaching days.</p>

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<p>I surveyed the menu.  Blue Cheese with honey?  Really?  They take this artisan stuff seriously!  Shouldn't blue cheese infiltrate artisan bread?</p>

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<p>Oh!  Goody gumdrops!  I'll dish out 5 bucks for a double scoop, but there's free condiments!  Which would I prefer, sea salt or extra virgin olive oil?</p>

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<p>Huh???</p>

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<p>Am I missing something here?</p>

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<p>I chose a combo of Peabody Espresso (I have no idea what Peabody refers to) and White Roses.  Hold the condiments, thank you very much.</p>

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<p>After watching too many seasons of <em><strong><a href="http://www.bravotv.com/top-chef" target="_blank">Top Chef</a></strong></em>, I would like to think that I have earned the right and the palate to judge this ice cream fairly and accurately.</p>

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<p>I ignored Jimmykins' "Bleck" face and sampled his Cheddar Cheesecake Ice Cream first.  Two thumbs down.  Waaaaayyyyy down.</p>

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<p>I cleansed my palate with a smidge of White Roses which tasted like vanilla ice cream laced with perfume.  My immediate reaction was that I had been poisoned.  Jimmykins sported his 2nd "Bleck" face for the day.  Two thumbs down.  Even Bella turned her nose away.</p>

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<p>You can't go wrong with Espresso, right?  ANYTHING flavored with espresso is a winner in my book.  Except when it's bland, overrated ice cream from a Trendy Artisan Ice Cream Joint, that is.</p>

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<p>Snobbsdale, get over yourself.  If you really want to be all that, don't try so hard.  Instead of trying to wow the masses with shock value ingredients and condiments, how about concentrating on churning out a delectable ice cream that we can all scream about?</p>

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<p>I'm fairly certain that Tom, Padma and Gail*** would agree with me.<span style="font-size: 13.1944px;"> </span></p>

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<p>*  The romp was between Bella and Jimmykins, not me and Jimmykins.</p>

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<p>**  If you are lucky to find yourself at the Public Market on Granville Island, get thee to Lee's Donuts for The Best Donuts of Your Life.  (I hope they're still there.  Sigh...)</p>

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<p>***  Gail, now I know why you work for <em>Food &amp; Wine</em> and not <em>Bon Appétit.</em></p>