<p><a href="http://www.diaryofalatebloomer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/P1220184.jpg"><img class="alignleft size-medium wp-image-3547" title="OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA" src="http://www.diaryofalatebloomer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/P1220184-225x300.jpg" alt="" width="225" height="300" /></a>You know how some people joke about turning into their parents?</p>

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<p>Well, I've turned into my Uncle John.  He'll be front and center at a Broadway show and falls asleep.  It drives my aunt crazy.</p>

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<p>I dozed off Saturday night at the opera.  During each of the three acts.</p>

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<p>But wait a minute!  This is not like me!  I never fall asleep at the theatre!</p>

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<p>I am an "arts person"!  I performed in the theatre for over 10 years!  I was an "arts teacher" for 16 years!  I consider myself an "arts advocate"!</p>

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<p>The arts are in my blood!  <span style="font-size: 13.1944px;">I <em>revel </em>in all things artistic!</span></p>

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<p>Except for opera.  I'm coming right out and saying it:  Opera is Boring.</p>

<p>(you can take the girl out of musical theatre, but you can't take musical theater out of the girl.)</p>

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<p>I have tried opera a few times now, and I've decided it's a complete snoozaroo.</p>

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<p>Believe you me, there was no one more excited about dressing up and meeting my fellow arts-fartsy friend, Mark, for <em>Turandot </em>on Saturday night.  "Nessun Dorma" invaded my brain weeks ago, and I couldn't wait to hear it performed live for the first time.</p>

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<p>Mr. Opera Announcer came out to report a sold out house.  I applauded passionately.  Hurrah for the arts selling out!  In a week where a <em>Jersey Shore</em> vapid poser's book topped the best-seller list no less!  There is hope yet for American culture!</p>

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<p>The lights dimmed.  The curtain rose.</p>

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<p>Zzzzzzzzzzzz...</p>

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<p>Is it just me, or is the story of <em>Turandot</em> completely and utterly ridiculous?</p>

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<p>Late Bloomer's <em>Turandot</em> in a Nutshell:</p>

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<p>Once upon a time there was a trainwreck of a Princess Turandot of Peking who carried not only her own man-hating baggage, but the man-hating baggage of her ancestors.  In other words, she was a Royal Biotch.</p>

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<p>Since men have loved trainwrecks since the beginning of time, suitors crawled out of the world's woodwork to pursue Her Royal Pain in the Ass.  (Because even though men have professed to hate "drama" since the beginning of time, we all know that they crave a challenge.)</p>

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<p>The suitors are asked to answer three riddles to win Turandot's hand in marriage, and if they answer incorrectly, they were immediately beheaded.  Heads roll (literally and frequently) around Peking in ceremonial fashion.  Hordes of sick bastards come from all over the country to watch the entertainment.</p>

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<p>One of these onlookers is the most Co-Dependent Man of All Time, Prince Calaf.  Upon seeing yet another rolling head, Calaf declares that he is madly in love with this blood-thirsty and psychologically damaged princess.  He vows to tap her gong and in a moment of testosterone-induced hallucination, thinks he can unlock all three impossible riddles.  He ignores the pleas of his blind and decrepit father, as well as her father's caretaker, the young and beautiful slave girl, Liu.   Predictably, Liu pines away for the emotionally unavailable (except for trainwrecks, that is) Calaf.  (Because even the most intelligent women and blog writers fall for emotionally unavailable men from time to time.)</p>

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<p>Calaf throws a temper tantrum in front of Daddy and rings the gong anyway.</p>

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<p>Princess Trainwreck emerges from her boudoir, and Calaf (surprise, surprise!) solves all three riddles!</p>

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<p>Turandot FREAKS and screams her notes in stereotypical opera lady fashion.</p>

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<p>Co-Dependent Calaf gives her a way out:  If she guesses his name by dawn (he is presently a "stranger" in Peking), she can behead him.</p>

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<p>Twisted, huh?  Truly twisted.</p>

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<p>In the meantime, 3 little twits by the name of Ping, Pong and Pang (I'm guessing Puccini was a ping pong aficionado) flit across the stage as non-comic relief.  Because operas aren't long enough.  (I fell asleep here.)</p>

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<p>Turandot declares no one will sleep in Peking that night!  Citizens are tortured to reveal the name of the stranger.</p>

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<p>Turandot even threatens to torture the elderly blind man!  To rescue the poor soul, Liu steps in and swears that she is the only one who knows the stranger's name!  When Turandot calls for the executioner, Liu throws herself on to a sword and kills herself in the name of co-dependency.</p>

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<p>The story then moves very quickly as before we know it, Turandot is seemingly in love with Calaf (who still loves Trainwreck even though a woman who was practically a family member just died at her hands) and the two of them kiss and awkwardly melt to the floor.  (Poor things.  They both need to lay off the Peking duck and eat more brown rice and veggies.)</p>

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<p>Elderly and blind Daddy who, minutes ago, crumpled at the loss of his beloved Liu, now celebrates with the kingdom.  He embraces his murderess of a daughter-in-law.  Princess Trainwreck and Prince Co-Dependent will live happily ever after!</p>

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<p>The End.</p>

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<p>Let me ask you again, "Is it just me, or is the story of <em>Turandot</em> completely and utterly ridiculous???"  Call me crazy, but I like my protagonists to fall under the category of "decent human beings".</p>

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<p>I restate:  I am a former THEATRE MAJOR!  I can escape to a story and suspend reality in a NANOSECOND!  <em>When there is an emotional connection to the characters. </em>I have never experienced an emotional connection in the operas that I've seen.  I thought it might happen with Puccini because his music is lush and passionate.  Instead, I feel like I've been let down by yet another emotionally unavailable man.</p>

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<p>Unlike Liu, I've broken that pattern.</p>

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<p>I'll stick with a*&amp;*&amp;(*&amp;( from now on.</p>

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<p><span style="font-size: 12.7315px;">tually thought I was getting sick sooooo tired.  but nope.  Just sheer boredom.  and disbelief.</span></p>