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<p>[caption id="attachment_565" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="30 ft. Banana Split Leads to Rise in Lactaid Stock"]<a href="http://www.diaryofalatebloomer.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/P9190174.jpg"><img class="size-medium wp-image-565" title="OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA" src="http://www.diaryofalatebloomer.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/P9190174-300x225.jpg" alt="" width="300" height="225" /></a>[/caption]</p>
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<p>I am an ice cream fiend.  Despite my overall health nut eating habits, I cannot say “no” to ice cream.  Ever.  And I don’t do low-fat ice cream either.  Ever.  Ice cream should be eaten in all its creamy and full-fat glory. </p>
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<p>So when I was at the Whole Foods (or “Whole Paycheck”, as my Dad calls them) hot bar for lunch and saw a flyer inviting customers to partake in a 30 ft. banana split, I knew that this was my destiny. </p>
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<p>I’m not even much of a banana split fan.  I’ve never seen any reason to add fruit to my ice cream in an attempt to make it healthier.  Eat the damn ice cream without guilt and save your 2-4 daily servings of fruit for another time!  There is absolutely no reason to mix business (fruit) with pleasure (ice cream) when you are indulging in frozen lusciousness.    </p>
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<p>I could deal with the bananas for this event, however, as it was a very special Whole Paycheck 30<sup>th</sup> Birthday Party.  Get it?  Turning 30 – 30 ft. banana split – 3 p.m. show time.  Those Whole Paycheck peeps are a clever bunch. </p>
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<p>And since I have been shopping at Whole Paycheck for the past 25 of those 30 years, I am practically family and needed to attend.  30<sup>th</sup> birthdays are special, and I would have been a thoughtless wench for missing such a momentous day in a family member’s life. </p>
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<p>My friend Megan looked at me funny when I showed overexcitement upon finding the flyer.  Her thoughts? </p>
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<p>“That sounds like a whole lotta germs to me.”</p>
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<p>Oh, well.  I am way too much in touch with my inner child to worry about the grody details.  How many times in one’s life do you have the chance to dive into a 30 ft. sundae?  And as I just explained, this was a familial obligation, and those are always tricky to get out of. </p>
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<p>I dragged my dear, sweet friend, Melanie, along with me.  She, too, is in touch with her inner child and almost always humors me in situations such as these. </p>
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<p>Melanie and I camped out 20 minutes early so as to capture the banana split unveiling on film.  Or digital something-or-rather.  What <em>do</em> you call it these days? </p>
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<p>Around 2:50 the vultures descended.  It was an ungodly 111 degrees outside, and I suppose this made people want free ice cream very, very badly.  The line was at least 200 feet long, I’d say. </p>
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<p>At 3 p.m. sharp, the 30 ft. banana split was laid out in segmented troughs.  I wasn’t the only dork waiting to document this super-sized split on digital something-or-rather.  I thought super-dorkman in front of me would never get out of the way to let me have my photo op!  I mean, I needed to do this for journalistic purposes.  What on earth did he need a photo of a 30 ft. phallic sundae for, and why did it take him 5 minutes to get the perfect shot??  Who knows.  Maybe <em>Food and Wine</em> sent him. </p>
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<p>After this photo frenzy, the crowd was then asked to sing “Happy Birthday” to Whole Paycheck.  I am not making this up.  How silly is that?  But I guess when it’s 111 outside, you’ll cluck like a chicken if you need to for free ice cream. </p>
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<p>Even though we arrived at this shindig first, and even though I am family, Melanie and I technically were not in line and politely moved back 200 ft. to wait for our piece of the trough.  Now that I think of it, I should have suggested party games while we were waiting, but I was so distracted watching men and boys chow down on samples of deli meat that I was overcome by a wave of nausea and couldn’t think clearly.   </p>
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<p>Cheese samples?  Enticing. </p>
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<p>Chocolate samples?  Scrumptious. </p>
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<p>Free ice cream?  Irresistible.</p>
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<p>Hunks of Deli Meat?  ??? </p>
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<p>Must be a Mars/Venus thing. </p>
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<p>Those Whole Paycheck peeps are not only clever, but efficient, because we worked our way up to the front of the line in no time.  Our piece of the trough included vanilla bean (with specks) ice cream, bananas, and chocolate syrup.  Whipped cream, sprinkles, and a rainbow of other assorted condiments awaited us at the next table. </p>
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<p>I was particularly excited about this because I love whipped cream almost as much as I love ice cream.  At Thanksgiving, you cannot see my pumpkin pie because it sits under a mountain of whipped cream.  Bring it on, and bring on lots of it. </p>
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<p>As I was daydreaming about which of the other condiments would grace my banana split, Melanie interrupted with, “This is how people get sick.  Think of all the germs.” </p>
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<p>I half-ignored her because a. I worked with preschool – 3<sup>rd</sup> graders for 16 years and am used to being around walking germ factories and b. there were spoons.  Seemed hygienic to me.  What was the problem? </p>
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<p>Until Melanie pointed out that deli meat-sampling father and son were fondling the whipped cream can which made me want to dry heave.  For all we knew, deli meat boy also picked his nose 5 minutes prior. </p>
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<p>This kind of stuff really happens because Marvin Zindler proved it to the good people of Houston on an Eyewitness News expose when I was a kid.  He shoveled his finger up his nose (for demonstration purposes only), marched into a Chinese restaurant, and shoved his hand in the mint dish faster than you could blink. </p>
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<p>You don’t see unwrapped mints sitting around in Chinese restaurants anymore, do you?  Hmmm???  You have Marvin to thank for that! </p>
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<p>Anywho, no whipped cream needed this time around.  Melanie and I relished our rather plain but delicious sundae and called it a day.     </p>
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<p>It’s all fun and games until someone gets sick. </p>
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