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[caption id="attachment_3547" align="alignleft" width="225" caption="You can take the girl out of the theatre, but you&#39;ll never take the theatre out of the girl."]<a href="http://www.diaryofalatebloomer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/P1220184.jpg"><img class="size-medium wp-image-3547" title="OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA" src="http://www.diaryofalatebloomer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/P1220184-225x300.jpg" alt="" width="225" height="300" /></a>[/caption]

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<p>You know how some people joke about turning into their parents?

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<p>Well, I've turned into my Uncle John.  He'll be front and center at a Broadway show and falls asleep.  It drives my aunt crazy.

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<p>I dozed off Saturday night at the opera.  During each of the three acts.

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<p>But wait a minute!  This is not like me.  I never fall asleep at the theatre.

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<p>I am an "arts person"!  I performed in the theatre for over 10 years!  I was an arts teacher for 12+ years!  I consider myself an "arts advocate"!

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<p><span style="font-size: 13.1944px;">The arts are in my blood.</span>

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<p><strong><span style="color: #800080;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Except for opera.  I'm coming right out and saying it:  Opera is Boring.</span></span></strong>

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<p>I have tried opera a few times now, and I've decided that it's a complete snoozaroo.

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<p>Believe you me, there was no one more excited about dressing up and meeting my fellow arts-fartsy friend, Mark, for <em>Turandot </em>on Saturday night.  "Nessun Dorma" invaded my brain weeks ago, and I couldn't wait to hear it performed live for the first time.

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<p>Before the show, Mr. Opera Announcer appeared on stage to report a sold out house.  I applauded passionately.  Hurrah for the arts selling out!  In a week where a vapid poser from the <em>Jersey Shore</em> topped the best-seller list, no less!  There is hope yet for American culture!

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<p>The lights dimmed.  The curtain rose.

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<p>Zzzzzzzzzzzz...

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<p><strong><span style="color: #800080;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Is it just me, or is the story of </span></span></strong><em><strong><span style="color: #800080;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Turandot</span></span></strong></em><strong><span style="color: #800080;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> completely and utterly ridiculous?</span></span></strong>

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<p><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #800080;"><strong><span style="color: #ff9900;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Late Bloomer's </span></span></strong></span></span><em><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #800080;"><strong><span style="color: #ff9900;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Turandot</span></span></strong></span></span></em><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #800080;"><strong><span style="color: #ff9900;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"> in a Nutshell:</span></span></strong></span></span>

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<p>Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you a train wreck of a princess named Turandot of Peking.  Princess Turandot carries not only her own man-hating baggage, but the man-hating baggage of her ancestors.  In other words, she is a Royal Biotch.

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<p><span style="color: #800080;"><strong><span style="font-size: medium;">Since men have loved train wrecks since the beginning of time, suitors crawl out of the world's woodwork to pursue Her Royal Pain in the Ass.</span></strong></span>

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<p>(Because even though men have professed to hate "drama" since the beginning of time, we all know that they crave a challenge.)

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<p>The suitors are asked to answer three riddles to win Turandot's hand in marriage, and if they answer incorrectly, then off with their heads!  Heads roll (literally and frequently) around Peking in ceremonial fashion.  Hordes of sick bastards come from all over the country to watch the entertainment.

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<p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="color: #800080;"><strong>One of these onlookers is the most Co-Dependent Man of All Time, Prince Calaf. </strong></span></span>

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<p>Upon witnessing yet another rolling head, Calaf declares that he is madly in love with this blood-thirsty and psychologically damaged princess.

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<p>In a moment of testosterone-induced frenzy, Calaf vows to unlock the secret answers to all three impossible riddles.  He ignores the pleas of his blind and decrepit father, as well as his father's caretaker, the young and beautiful slave girl, Liu.  Predictably, Liu pines away for the emotionally unavailable (except for train wrecks, that is) Calaf.

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<p><span style="font-size: 13.1944px;"><strong><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="color: #800080;">(Because even the most intelligent women fall for emotionally unavailable men from time to time.)</span></span></strong></span>

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<p>Calaf throws a temper tantrum in front of Daddy and taps Turandot's gong to capture her attention.

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<p>Princess Train Wreck emerges from her boudoir, and she is one miffed little cookie.  NO woman enjoys being awakened from her beauty sleep.

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<p>Turandot throws all three riddles at Calaf, and (surprise, surprise!) he solves them all!

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<p>Turandot FREAKS and screams her notes in stereotypical opera lady fashion.

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<p>Co-Dependent Calaf gives her a way out:  If Turandot guesses his name by dawn (he is presently a "stranger" in Peking), then she can behead him.

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<p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="color: #800080;"><strong>Twisted, huh?</strong></span></span>

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<p>In the meantime, 3 little twits by the name of Ping, Pong and Pang (I'm guessing Puccini was an avid ping pong player) flit across the stage as comic (and I use that term lightly) relief.  Because operas aren't long enough.  (I fell asleep here.)

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<p>Turandot declares that no one will sleep in Peking that night until the stranger's identity is revealed! Citizens are tortured to name the stranger.

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<p>Turandot even threatens to torture the elderly blind man!  To rescue the poor soul, Liu steps in and swears that she is the only one who knows the stranger's name!

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<p><span style="font-size: medium;"><strong><span style="color: #800080;">When Turandot calls for the executioner, Liu throws herself on to a sword and kills herself in the name of co-dependency disguised as love.</span></strong></span>

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<p>The story then moves very quickly, as before we know it, Turandot is suddenly in love with Calaf (who still carries a torch for Princess Train Wreck even though Liu just died at her hands).  The two lovers kiss and awkwardly melt to the floor.

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<p>(Poor things.  Their passionate move wouldn't have been so ungainly if they had only laid off the Peking duck and eaten more brown rice and veggies.)

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<p>Elderly and blind Daddy who, minutes ago, crumbled at the loss of his beloved Liu, now celebrates with the kingdom.  He embraces his murderess of a daughter-in-law.

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<p><strong><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="color: #800080;">May Princess Train Wreck and Prince Co-Dependent live happily ever after!  Everyone sing and rejoice!</span></span></strong>

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<p>The End.

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<p>Let me ask you again, "Is it just me, or is the story of <em>Turandot</em> completely and utterly ridiculous???"  Call me crazy, but I like my protagonists to fall under the category of "flawed-yet-decent human beings".

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<p>I am a sucker for a far-fetched tale when the characters are <em>likable</em>.  I am a former THEATRE MAJOR, for heaven's sake!  I can escape to a story and suspend reality in a NANOSECOND!  <em>When there is an emotional connection to the characters. </em>

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<p>I have been introduced to likable characters in other operas, but I have never experienced an emotional connection in the operas that I've seen.  I thought it might happen with Puccini because his music is so lush and passionate.

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<p>Oh, well.  To each his own.  I'll keep "Nessun Dorma" in my head, but I'll let opera buffs take the rest of <em>Turandot.</em>

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