<img class="alignleft size-full wp-image-3135" style="margin: 8px;" title="desiree and kids - god's meter is broken" src="http://writingtosanity.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/desiree-and-kids-gods-meter-is-broken.jpg" alt="desiree and kids - god's meter is broken" width="200" height="150" /><em>This was originally posted on November 1, 2009 for New Jersey Moms  Blog, under the title “God's meter is broken.” This is my emotionally draining account of what brought me to New Jersey in the first place. </em>

<em>There are many entries prior to this one that have been archived away, because I can't stand to look at them any more.  They are still 'out there' somewhere in the blogosphere, but I prefer to keep them away from where I am currently writing.  This is the only entry which has stayed.</em>

<em>As of February 26, 2011, my way of living has moved from despair to happiness... and it gets better every day.  I can only hope that it's the same for my kids, too.</em>

There  are times in my life that I thought the world was crashing down on top  of me, but nothing - and I truly mean NOTHING - could have prepared me  for the period of time between April and October of 2009.  You've heard  of the saying that "God will never give you more than you can handle"?   With all due respect, my faith is nil at this point: I think God's "what  Dez can handle" meter is broken.

I  was working as an Accounts Receivable Rep for an occupational medicine  company in Denver when I was released from my duties the day before my  30th birthday.  As a struggling single mom, I was devastated.  <strong><em>How could they do this to me?  Where would I go?  What would I do now?</em></strong> I walked out that day with a pink slip and some fabulous flowers my parents had been kind enough to send for my birthday.

I quickly realized that, with  nothing in my savings and very little in my checking accounts, I was in  trouble.  I had been living paycheck-to-paycheck for most of my adult  life, and my choices were about to bite me in the butt - BIG TIME.  With  no income, I was forced to abandon my apartment.  I had two options:  move to New Jersey to live with my parents or move to another suburb in  the Denver area to live with my boyfriend.  After MANY, MANY long talks,  it was decided that my kids and I would move in to my boyfriend's house  during Memorial Day weekend.  He and I agreed that we would try the  living arrangement out for two months and, if we were successful, I  would sign an agreement to live there on a month-to-month basis... all  in an effort to protect his assets, as well as mine, should either of us  decide at any time to leave.  If it didn't work out, I would move to be  with my parents.  I agreed to obtain employment as soon as possible and  would file the necessary paperwork to request unemployment from my  former employer until I was offered a position elsewhere.  Even though I  was upset about losing my job, I was so excited to be living with  someone I loved so much!  To be honest, I was thrilled to not have to  worry about anything financially.  As soon as everything was decided, I  readied my kids and my apartment for the big move.

Approximately  four weeks later (before the move), my 18-year-old cat died.  In her  sleep.  As I was sleeping right next to her.  Have you ever had a pet  die?  It's terrible!  I had so much pain in my heart, I didn't know I  was going to process everything.  I shouldn't fail to mention, either,  that the day before she passed away, my divorce was finalized.  Nice  timing, I say.  There was good news, though: I had secured a job as an  Accounts Receivable Specialist with a mobile lab and x-ray company in  Denver, starting on June 1.  Woohoo!  Then, just as planned, the kids  and I moved at the end of May -  I was relieved that I was finally on  track.  Now maybe I could relax a bit.

Wait... there's more.

In  June, my daughter had surgery to remove a plate that was holding her  femur together from her break last year.  My parents had flown in from  New Jersey, and my mom was there to be with my daughter and her dad during surgery since I had just started my  job and couldn't take time off.  The day after her surgery, the four of us  met my family in Estes Park to camp.  (Don't worry, it was all cleared  by the surgeon!)  I won't lie and say it was the best time ever, but it  sure was good for all of us to get together as a family.  While on our  stay-cation, I discovered my brother lost his job, too.  It was all  hush-hush, but I was scared for him - he and my sister-in-law had JUST  bought a house, and had two small children.  I vividly remember laying in bed that night and crying out in my mind: <em>Why, God, why?</em>

In  July, I began to notice little things with my boyfriend... that he was  becoming less and less tolerant of situations with me and my kids.  I  just blew it off as his Type-A personality and kept moving forward.

I  moved forward so quickly that August arrived with a vengeance, and the  first day of school was fast approaching.  It was an stirring time -  they would be attending a new school in a great district, and the  community of parents there was absolutely wonderful.  Thankfully, my job  was working out well and I was able to have them enrolled in a summer  program where they were able to go on field trips to the zoo and other  exciting places, all of which kept them out of trouble!

My  boyfriend and I had a HUGE disagreement on August 2nd and, for the first  time since being with him, I became afraid that I was going to lose him  forever.  Best as I can remember, the next several weeks were hard; he  distanced himself from me so much that I didn't know what to do.  Again,  I brushed it off as his personality.

Labor Day weekend, the kids  would be with their dad and so I thought maybe my sweetheart and I could  escape to our favorite place on earth - his property near Cripple  Creek.  He wasn't so keen on the idea and, instead, wanted to go to  Idaho Springs.  I guess that's when I really started worrying again that  things were not right.  A week or so later, he finally confided to me  that he was overwhelmed... that he couldn't "do this anymore".  I cried  to him, and he cried to me.  I begged him not to send me away to live  with my parents, that if he loved me he would figure out with me how to  make things better.  Little did I know, it was too late.  He had already  decided that he had gone past the point of no return with his thinking,  and nothing I could say would make him change his mind.  Again, I was  left devastated... this time by the man to who had always been there for  me, through thick and thin over the past 20 months.  I struggled to  understand.  <strong><em>How could he do this?  Why was I not good enough?  Wasn't my love enough?</em></strong> I became very angry at one point and told him I f**king hated him.  I  was scared and ashamed, and I had no way to express myself but through  hateful words and getting right up in his face at every opportunity.  I  felt he had lied to me every time he had told me he would be there for  me.  I felt alone.  I didn't trust him anymore, so I began doubting  everything he had ever said to me in loving context.  It was the most  difficult time I have encountered in my life thus far.

I have  since moved to New Jersey to live with my parents.  It wasn't easy  getting here - I had to quit my job, losing all medical and dental  benefits I had secured while working; I had to explain to my kids thast  we'd be moving and they wouldn't get to see their dad every other week,  as we had been accustomed to; I had to leave my siblings and friends; I  had to leave the only place I had ever known and travel to a place I had  only visited once in my life; most importantly, I had to leave someone I  thought was my best friend.

My daughter cries for him still.  I  tried to comfort her the other night, but I began sobbing too and deemed  myself as completely ineffective in that state of mind.  I left her  room with tears still running down my face and feeling dreadful that I  had put my daughter and son in such a predicament.  It has been hard  enough for me to deal with what had happened, I can't imagine being five  and eight and having your whole world turned upside down.

I still  wear the necklace he gave me.  I know I should take it off, but I'm not  ready to.  After all, he made me laugh so much more than I cried while  we were together.  As a mechanic, he taught me how to take care of my  car.  As a father of grown children, he taught me to be more  authoritative with my children.  As a person who has lived longer than  I, he taught me about life and love.  He had a way of making me feel  like I was the most important person in the world... and I know he loved  me as much as I loved him.

That being said... as I sit here composing this entry on the New Jersey Moms Blog, I am vowing to myself to never let my guard down again - let this be my official testimony that I will protect my children as long as I can, and I will focus solely on being with them and enjoying my new life in New Jersey.  Kids grow up fast, and I don't want to miss a second of any of it!

<em>This is an original <a href="http://www.newjerseymomsblog.com/" target="_blank">New Jersey Moms Blog</a> post.  Desiree details her life as a single mom cruising the streets of  New Jersey with her kids (her Colorado plates still on her car) at her  personal blog, <a href="http://www.desireeallen.com/" target="_blank">Writing to Sanity</a>.</em>