It's not the writing.  It's the rewriting.  IME revision (lots and lots and lots) of revision is the name of the game.  To find the voice, the character that comes alive, the description that brings the reader into the scene, the out line at the end of a chapter that keeps the reader turning pages, the rhythm and resolution of the plot...it all matters and only (very, very) rarely does it come easily much less in a first draft.
The amount of work and thought you put into a few paragraphs does not surprise me at all.  In fact, it seems familiar.  Thanks so much for the post...when I feel stranded and clueless, I'll reread it and try to remember that I am not alone.
Ruth Harris
author of NYTimes bestseller
<a href="http://amzn.to/ft97O7" rel="nofollow">Husbands And Lovers</a>