A senior security leader asked during a presentation to women, "Do you want to be liked or do you want to be valued?"  Now, we know very well that females are naturally dispositioned and socialized to be more accommodating and have a strong desire to be liked.  As part of our DNA, it is a challenge for us to oppose these natural tendencies. So what do we do to overcome it? 

During a recent conversation with a well-known security recruiter, she discussed the need for women in security to agitate to advance to the senior levels in the industry.  So, how do we agitate without being known as the "angry woman" or being perceived as "too aggressive," which are common downfalls as the result of creating waves and challenging the status quo?  Here are three tips:

1. Agitate through one one one conversations with key decison-makers and influencers.  Set up a meeting with the key decision-maker to better understand his thinking behind the decision.  You can kick off the meeting by stating this as the goal and asking him to, "Tell me more about how you arrived at that conclusion."  As he is responding, just listen.  Limit the inner dialoge and don't try to find holes in the logic.  Just listen.  And then thank him for sharing his thinking.  Clarify any part that is not clear with open questions, which result in a narrative answer, and then paraphrase what you think you heard to let him know that you were listening.  An easy way to start paraphrasing is, "It sounds like you see..."  This is an opening to share your perspective and your different approach.  Finally, close out the conversation by validating his view by saying something like, "I can see how you chose to go a different route than my approach.  I appreciate the time you took to explain your it."

2. Agitate through questions.  During a team meeting, it may be appropriate to share your position in a group and a good way to do this is through asking a question.  You can start out by saying, "What is your thinking at choosing this approach?  I thought of a different way to this challenge.  I would like to share it [and present your idea]." 

3. Agitate through direct well-structured communication.  Sometimes, there is not enough time to set up individual conversations and to converse in a team setting due to the urgency.  If the previous two tips are not options, then register your preference of a different approach with the key decision-maker or team with direct, straightforward communication with good structure.  You can use the format 1.  State your position. 2. Display 3 reasons/evidence for your position. 3. Close by re summarizing your position in different words or suggest a next step to reconcile the differing views. 4. Say thank you for listening. You can kick off by saying, "I have to jump in here and share my suggestion for a different approach [and share it].  Here is my thinking behind it:  one,...two,....finally,...As a next step, I would like to suggest...or (as a reminder, we should go in is...).  Thank you for listening."

One last point, being valued requires honing persuasive communiation skills and influencing outcomes, and it does not happen in one conversation or in one meeting.  It happens over time.  If you try  these tactics, and it creates an awkward moment, don't let it discourage you from trying it again.  It may take 4 to 6 times for others to listen to you and for you to get comfortable with it.  

Let me know how it works for you.  If you want to role play, email me at <a href="mailto:Natalie@CSOLeadershipTraining.com">Natalie@CSOLeadershipTraining.com</a> to set up a time to talk. 

I look forward to hearing from you.