<p>One of the most important members of the crew is the Cruise Director. He, or she, also has one of the most difficult jobs on board; keeping the passengers busy and happy, while creating onboard revenue for the cruise line.</p>
<p>The Cruise Director actually has several jobs.</p>
<p>Responsible for most of the activities on the ship, and making sure they are run on schedule, and properly. Who else could get you to stuff fruit down your bathing suit, trying to see how many pineapples can fit in a Speedo? Watch in awe as a block of ice is whittled into the shape of a dolphin? Get you to bet money on little wooden horses whose moves are controlled by three dice in a cage? Play Bingo, when it&rsquo;s something you never do at home? And, when was the last time you whirled a hula hoop around your waist?</p>
<p>The Cruise Director is also responsible for the entire CD staff, which can consist of over a dozen people. The CD must train and supervise the entire staff, and make sure they properly carry out their duties.</p>
<p>But, it is as a performer that the Cruise Director must shine. Whether live, or over the P.A. system, the Cruise Director is, most of all, an entertainer! What would the &ldquo;Newlywed, And Not-So-Newlywed Game&rdquo; be without a good CD? And, what about &ldquo;Talent Night?&rdquo; Most of the time, the CD is the only &lsquo;talent&rsquo; on the stage&hellip;</p>
<p>Who else could deliver the &ldquo;Ten Stupidest Questions Passengers Ask,&rdquo; that you&rsquo;ve heard so many times, and still make you laugh?</p>
<p>If you&rsquo;ve been on a cruise, you have probably heard a variation of &ldquo;The Ten Dumbest Questions Passengers Ask.&rdquo; Every cruise director has their own personal favorites, for this list, and there are slightly more than ten. Sometimes, they are a simple, self-explanatory questions, and, sometimes, they involve a situation. Many cruise directors also have a list of replies they do, or would like to, respond with.</p>
<p>The questions which follow, and the responses, if any, are among some of my favorites.</p>
<p>&ldquo;Does the crew sleep on board, at night?&rdquo;<br />(&ldquo;No, Ma&rsquo;am, a helicopter lands on Lido deck and takes them home.&rdquo;<br />&ldquo;Oh, that&rsquo;s the noise that kept me up, all night.&rdquo;)<br />&ldquo;So, that&rsquo;s what all that noise was, last night&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;Does this elevator go to the front of the ship?&rdquo;<br />(&ldquo;No, sir, you have to take the Wonkavator on the Empress Deck.&rdquo;)</p>
<p>&ldquo;What religion are those people with the little pathes behind their ears?&rdquo;<br />(&ldquo;I think they&rsquo;re Apaches&hellip;&rdquo;)</p>
<p>&ldquo;How do we know which photos are ours?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;What do you do with the ice carvings after they melt?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;Do you have generators on board, in order to produce electricity?&rdquo;<br />(&ldquo;No, Sir, we have a long extension cord that reaches back to Miami&hellip;.&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;Excuse me, but what altitude are we at?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;How long will the 30-minute massage take?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;Is the water in the pool fresh water or ocean water?&rdquo;<br />&ldquo;It&rsquo;s ocean water Ma&rsquo;am.&rdquo;<br />&ldquo;No wonder it&rsquo;s so rough&hellip;&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;Excuse me, does this stairway go up, or down?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;Does the water go all around that island?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;Will I get wet if I go snorkeling?&rdquo;</p>
<p>&ldquo;I went over my liquor allowance, but drank it. Do I have to declare it with Customs?&rdquo;</p>
<p>From time to time, situations can be the source of humor.</p>
<p>Cruise Directors also have their own, personal, stories that they like to tell. And, like the &ldquo;Dumbest Questions,&rdquo; they usually swear that it actually happened to them, or someone they know.</p>
<p>A favorite of mine is that of a young honeymoon couple, who wanted everything to be perfect. They booked a beautiful suite, with a large balcony, and were looking forward to sitting and enjoying the view.</p>
<p>Immediately upon embarking, and prior to sailing, the young groom went to the Purser&rsquo;s Desk, and was obviously very agitated. &ldquo;May I help you?&rdquo; asked the young Assistant Purser. &ldquo;And how,&rdquo; replied the groom, &ldquo;I reserved a special suite, and paid a lot of money, for an oceanview, and all we have a view of is a parking lot!&ldquo;</p>
<p>Let&rsquo;s not forget the Port Lectures. Disguised as informative talks about the ports you are about to visit, and promising all sorts of inside information, these sales pitches result in a financial windfall for the cruise line. Every shop pays a hefty fee, each time the ship pulls into the particular port, whether the passengers actually visit the shop, or not. Therefore, it is the CD&rsquo;s job to get as many of us as possible to visit. The CD uses a combination of charm, wit, humor and free t-shirts to accomplish this goal.</p>
<p>One final duty the Cruise Director has is to emcee the final Disembarkation Talk. During this lecture, the CD goes over the various things you will need to know when you disembark. The dialogue covers importation restrictions, baggage pick-up information, and a host of valuable things you will need to know. At some point, the CD comes to instructions as to how to complete the Customs Declarations Form. Almost all of the CD&rsquo;s start with a line something to the effect of, &ldquo;Now, folks, this is the most important part of my talk, the Customs Declarations Form. One form MUST be completed by the head of the household, so, ladies, listen carefully&hellip;.&rdquo;</p>
<p>Being a successful Cruise Director means working a minimum of eighteen hours a day, seven days a week, in order to accomplish all of these tasks, and having to maintain a big smile and cheerful attitude, for a very, very, small salary.</p>
<p>Yet, they play such an important role. The best Cruise Directors can make all the difference in the cruise experience. Hit a few days of bad weather, or other unexpected Disappointment, and you will know what I mean.</p>
<p>I have three particular favorites, whom I will always remember affectionately.</p>
<p>Of course, Shannon McKee, on the Norwegian Crown. I&rsquo;ve already told you about her. By the way, her Assistant Cruise Director, Soozy Atkins, was no slouch, and had the promise to be as good as her mentor.</p>
<p>Another favorite was. actually, he Assistant Cruise Director. The CD on my favorite ship, the Britanis, Tommy Van, was one of my least favorites. However, on many of our trips on her, the Assistant was Joyce Gleeson, was all the things that Tommy wasn&rsquo;t. She more than made up for her &lsquo;boss&rsquo;s&rsquo; shortcomings, and made every cruise a pleasure.</p>
<p>Joyce ran the best damn poolside horse racing, ever!! Hands down. As you pulled away from the dock, in Miami, the frenzy began. The big sail-away party, with horse Racing as the main attraction. We&rsquo;d all flock to the table, dollars clutched in our fists, scrambling to bet on a wooden horse, on a stick. Six numbered equines, with the strangest names you&rsquo;ve ever heard. Most a bit &ldquo;off color.&rdquo;</p>
<p>There was Joyce, standing with the mike in her hand, egging us on. Then, as one of the Cruise Director&rsquo;s staffers twirled the chuck-a-luck cage, and the dive came to rest, Joyce would call out the numbers. As she did so, with her own special flair, the corresponding numbered horse was moved forward one space.</p>
<p>All the way down Government cut, past Star, Palm and Hibiscus Island; past the Fisher Island ferry, and, then, the island itself; and, finally, leaving South Beach behind, Joyce kept us all excited, laughing and, somewhat, poorer.</p>
<p>Rich Clesen, of &ldquo;NCL fame,&rdquo; was the absolute king of the &ldquo;Dollar Wine.&rdquo; Nobody could, &ldquo;Gimme&rsquo; dollar, gimme&rsquo; dollar&hellip;&rdquo; better than Rich! Actually, we had sailed with him a few times before he become the &lsquo;Big Guy.&rsquo; It was on those cruises that we got to know, and love, him. So, you can imagine how thrilled we were when he med Head Honcho. This, however, led to a small disappointment. As the Cruise Director, he left the &ldquo;Dollar Wine&rdquo; to his Assistant. I was able to overcome this handicap by threatening, at the outset of the cruise, that I would give him, and his staff, &ldquo;bad checkmarks&rdquo; on my Comment Card, if he didn&rsquo;t do it, at least once, during the cruise&hellip;.</p>
<p>I guess I&rsquo;ve been lucky; I have never had a bad Cruise Director. While the three I&rsquo;ve talked about as &ldquo;special,&rdquo; were truly out of the ordinary, all of the rest did an excellent job, faced with the enormous task they had before them.</p>
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