Have a laugh today . . . .<br />
<br />
&quot;I had to take my son&#39;s lizard to the vet, because here is what happened:<br />
<br />
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was &quot;something<br />
wrong&quot; with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.<br />
&quot;He&#39;s just lying there looking sick,&quot; he told me.  &quot;I&#39;m serious, Dad, can you<br />
help?&quot;<br />
<br />
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his<br />
bedroom.  One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking<br />
stressed.  I immediately knew what to do.<br />
<br />
&quot;Honey,&quot; I called, &quot; come look at the lizard&#33;&quot;  <br />
&quot;Oh my&#33; gosh,&quot; my wife diagnosed after a minute. &quot;She&#39;s having babies.&quot;<br />
&quot;What?&quot; my son demanded. &quot;But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom&#33;&quot;<br />
I was equally outraged.<br />
&lt; BR&gt;&quot;Hey, how can that be?  I thought we said we didn&#39;t want them to reproduce,&quot;<br />
I accused my wife.<br />
<br />
&quot;Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?&quot; she<br />
inquired.  (I actually think she said this sarcastically&#33;)<br />
&quot;No, but you were supposed to get two boys&#33;&quot; I reminded her (in my most<br />
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).<br />
&quot;Yeah, Bert and Ernie&#33;&quot; my son agreed.<br />
&quot;Well, it&#39;s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,&quot; she informed<br />
me (again with the sarcasm, don&#39;t you think?).<br />
<br />
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.  I<br />
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.<br />
<br />
&quot;Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. &quot;We&#39;re about<br />
to witness the miracle of birth.&quot;<br />
&quot;Oh, gross&#33;&quot; they shrieked.<br />
&quot;Well, isn&#39;t THAT just great&#33;  What are we going to do with a litter of tiny<br />
little lizard babies?&quot; my wife wanted to know.  (I really do th ink she was<br />
being snotty here, too.  Don&#39;t you?)<br />
<br />
We peered at the patient.  After much struggling, what looked like a tiny<br />
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.<br />
<br />
&quot;We don&#39;t appear to be making much progress,&quot; I noted.  &quot;It&#39;s breech,&quot; my<br />
wife whispered, horrified.  &quot;Do something, Dad&#33;&quot; my son urged.<br />
<br />
&quot;Okay, okay.&quot;  Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next<br />
appeared, giving it a gentle tug.  It disappeared.  I tried several more times<br />
with the same results.<br />
<br />
&quot;Should I call 911?&quot; my eldest daughter wanted to know. &quot;Maybe they could<br />
talk us through the trauma.&quot;  (You see a pattern here with the females in my<br />
house?)  &quot;Let&#39;s get Ernie to the vet,&quot; I said grimly.  We drove to the vet with my<br />
son holding the cage in his lap. &quot;Breathe, Ernie, breathe,&quot; he urged.<br />
&quot;I don&#39;t think lizards do Lamaze,&quot; his mother noted to him.  (Women can be<br />
so crue l to their own young.  I mean what she does to me is one thing, but<br />
this boy is of her womb, for God&#39;s sake.)<br />
<br />
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little<br />
animal through a magnifying glass.<br />
&quot;What do you think, Doc, a C-section?&quot; I suggested scientifically.<br />
&quot;Oh, very interesting,&quot; he murmured.  &quot;Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to<br />
you privately for a moment?&quot;  I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.<br />
<br />
&quot;Is Ernie going to be okay?&quot; my wife asked.<br />
&quot;Oh, perfectly,&quot; the Vet assured us.  &quot;This lizard is not in labour.  In fact,<br />
that isn&#39;t EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy.  You see, Ernie is a young<br />
male.  And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species,<br />
they um....um....masturbate.  Just the way he did, lying on his back.&quot;  He<br />
blushed, glancing at my wife.  &quot;Well,you know what I&#39;m saying, Mr. Cameron.&quot;<br />
<br />
We were silent, absorbing this .<br />
<br />
&quot;So Ernie&#39;s just...just... excited,&quot; my wife offered.<br />
&quot;Exactly,&quot; the vet replied, relieved that we understood.<br />
<br />
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.  And giggle.  And<br />
then even laugh loudly.<br />
<br />
&quot;What&#39;s so funny?&quot; I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I<br />
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.<br />
<br />
Tears were now running down her face.  Laughing . &quot;It&#39;s just...that...I&#39;m<br />
picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little...&quot; she gasped for more<br />
air to bellow in laughter once more.  &quot;That&#39;s enough,&quot; I warned.   <br />
  <br />
We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. <br />
He was glad everything was going to be okay.<br />
<br />
&quot;I know Ernie&#39;s really thankful for what you &#39;ve done, Dad,&quot; he told me.<br />
&quot;Oh, you have NO idea, son&#33;&quot;<br />
<br />
Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.<br />
<br />
2  Lizards - &#036;140...<br />
<br />
1  Cage - &#036;50...<br />
<br />
Trip to the Vet  &#036;30...<br />
<br />
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard&#39;s winkie.....Priceless<br />
<br />
Moral of the story - finish biology class.  Lizards lay eggs. &quot;