Have some laughs today:<br />
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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightgown.  &quot;Tie me up,&quot; she purred, &quot;and you can do anything you want.&quot;  So he tied her up and went golfing.<br />
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.  She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, &quot;Honey, pack your bags.  I won the lottery&#33;&quot; The husband said, &quot;Oh my God&#33;  What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?&quot;  &quot;Doesn&#39;t matter,&quot; she said.  &quot;Just get out.&quot;<br />
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.<br />
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver&#39;s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters &#39;C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.&#39; &quot;Can you read this?&quot; the optician asked.  &quot;Read it?&quot; the Polish guy replied, &quot;I know the guy.&quot;<br />
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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, &quot;I must tell you all something.  We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent. &quot;Thank God,&quot; said an elderly nun at the back.  &quot;I&#39;m so tired of chardonnay.<br />
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.  Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.  &quot;Careful,&quot; he said, &quot;CAREFUL&#33;  Put in some more butter&#33;  Oh my gosh&#33;  You&#39;re cooking too many at once.  TOO MANY&#33; Turn them&#33;  TURN THEM NOW&#33;  We need more butter.  Oh my gosh&#33;  WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?  They&#39;re going to STICK&#33;  Careful.  CAREFUL&#33;  I said be CAREFUL&#33;  You NEVER listen to me when you&#39;re cooking&#33;  Never&#33;  Turn them&#33;  Hurry up&#33;  Are you CRAZY?  Have you LOST your mind?  Don&#39;t forget to salt them.  You know you always forget to salt them.  Use the salt.  USE THE SALT&#33;  THE SALT&#33;&quot;  The wife stared at him.  &quot;What in the world is wrong with you?  You think I don&#39;t know how to fry a couple of eggs?&quot; The husband calmly replied, &quot;I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I&#39;m driving.&quot;<br />
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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.  On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.  That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.  On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.  That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.  On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.  The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.