Okay.. last one...<br /><br /><br />	<br />Saint Patrick&#39;s Day Bar Troubleshooting<br /><br />SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.<br />FAULT: Glass empty.<br />ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.<br /><br />SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.<br />FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.<br />ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.<br /><br />SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.<br />FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.<br />ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.<br /><br />SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.<br />FAULT: Improper bladder control.<br />ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.<br /><br />SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.<br />FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.<br />ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.<br /><br />SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.<br />FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.<br />ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.<br /><br />SYMPTOM: Floor moving.<br />FAULT: You are being carried out.<br />ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.<br /><br />SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.<br />FAULT: You have fallen over backward.<br />ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar.<br /><br />SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.<br />FAULT: You have fallen forward.<br />ACTION: See above.<br /><br />SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.<br />FAULT: The Bar is closing.<br />ACTION: Panic.<br /><br />SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom.<br />FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.<br />ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.