<p>As I was returning to work with my hard-earned lunch from Taco Bell, I heard on the radio that there an <a href="http://liveshots.blogs.foxnews.com/2010/11/29/portland-terror-suspect-faces-arraignment/">attempt to detonate a car bomb</a> at a Christmas tree lighting in Portland, Oregon. Portland? I thought they were very progressive out there - why would someone want to hurt them when all us nasty conservatives are in the middle of the country.</p>
<p>The attacker was first described at a teenager. Hmm, must be teenage angst, or anger that Bristol Palin made it so far in &quot;Dancing with the Stars&quot;.</p>
<p>Then I heard it was a Somali immigrant. Oh, probably protesting atrocities in Rwanda or not enough food or general incompetence by African dictators or an American president.</p>
<p>Then I heard his name was Mohamed Osman Mohamud. Hmm, Mohamed. That type of name sounds familiar. Is he Catholic? Those &quot;progressives&quot; are always pointing to Timothy McVeigh, who at one point in his life was Catholic, so we can't profile based on religion. Probably not, though - Catholics normally don't have a last name the same as their first name. Timothy McVeigh Timothy? Nope, doesn't sound right. Couldn't possibly be Muslim, right? They are the religion of peace, as they demonstrate on a daily basis.</p>
<p>Finally, I understood which religion he was - he was an environmentalist. He was protesting the death of a tree for the commercialized holiday of Christmas in the United States, the Great Satan, if you will. I knew I'd get to the bottom of it!</p>